Be The Jam

I have got a bit behind with what is going on lately so here is a quick update, hopefully things will get back to some sort of semblance of normality after this.  

It is a little annoying that most of my time and effort of late has been spent dealing with modernity rather than learning new and funky survival tricks and getting fit. I have, however, come up with a plan to  deal with the mass of red tape that now threatens to engulf me.

 I call this plan Operation Ignore It (OII)

Received wisdom dictates that ignoring official looking letters and the like is not a good thing and there is a lot of ground in this argument but there comes a point when only OII can help. For example I have spent a great deal of the last three weeks in the bank trying to sort a problem out - I now forget what the original problem was - and all I got out of it was stressed and angry. I would go to the bank, wait, wait some more, wait, get bored of waiting, wait some more and then get to speak to some one. After explaining the problem three or four times they would finally grasp that they didn't have a clue what I was talking about and tell me that I would have to talk to someone else. This would usually involve more waiting. When I finally managed to speak to someone who seemed to understand what was going on we would come to an agreement and I would leave feeling quite happy and a little bit guilty for thinking them to be completely incompetent earlier in the day. A day or two later I would discover that rather than doing what they had agreed they had done something else completely and so I would have to go back to the bank and start the whole process again but this time when speaking to the, different, person who seemed to know what they were talking about I would have to explain not only what had gone wrong this time but also what had gone wrong before that in order to arrive at the point where things went wrong again. After the seventh or eighth trip to the bank I began to forget what had happened in the first place. I realised recently that all I was getting out of going to the bank to complain about thing going wrong was that I was getting to go to the bank to complain; I have better things to do with my life then point out to the bank that there system is rubbish and they don't know what they are doing. So this time when they messed up I didn't go into complain, sure they still have made a mistake but at least I don't have to get stressed out about it or go and shout at anyone. The decision not to complain was made all the easier by the fact that for the first time they were not trying to charge me for their mistake, at least not yet. It seems then that there is a time to "let it go".

Not, I'm afraid to say, that OII can be applied to everything. Sadly there are a couple of organisations that I have done work for that have decided to ignore my requests for payment and I rather suspect that a cunning application of the principles OII will have little chance of getting money out of them.

 Gadgets

It started with a watch, I found an old watch the other day and started to wear it, apart for a couple of weeks in the spring this is the first time that I have had a watch or any kind of time piece about my person for nearly three years, it's quite useful. Then I found a compass that fits onto the watch strap, that had to go on, it's not very actuate but there are times when not very actuate is much better than walking around in circles. Then last weekend things went truly high tech, Rob gave me his old phone and a sim card. I haven't had a phone for, again, nearly three years and I was immediately hooked, the five pounds credit on the card went almost immediately on texting people to tell them that I now have a phone. Since then I have been inundated with text messages from Vodaphone encouraging me to join this price plan or that, it's almost as if they are trying to encourage me to spend more. Now that I have a phone with a camera I c an start to take photos of things and post them up here - just as soon as I can figure out how to get them off the phone and onto this world wide web thingy.

Rescuing my possessions from the storage facility on Wednesday was a bit of a shock, all I had was two rucksacks and two suitcases full of stuff - where did I put everything else? Looking through I discovered 6 mobile phones, some photos, lots of audio cables, a couple of changes of clothes and a few things to go on eBay. That was it, oh and a waterproof rucksack liner, why it never occurred to me that I might need a waterproof rucksack liner when going to live in the woods for a year I don't know. 

When I got back to the woods yesterday it seemed to be a good time to sort through all my possessions that I have there and try and get life in a bit more of an ordered state. I'm glad I did, I found a bit that has been missing from my jetboil so that will work as soon as I have picked up the new gauze from my parents. Jetboil have a 12 month guarantee to replace anything that wears out, I will take some photos of mine so you can see how worn out it got in just three months in the woods. I haven't been able to use it for ages as it got so worn out after those three months as to be unusable. I will be glad to have it working again, it will be like having a kettle - much easier than having to light a fire just to make tea in the morning.

The next gadget I found was my old Sigg petrol stove, it was this breaking that caused me to go buy the Jetboil. At the time it broke down I diagnosed that the pump on the fuel bottle had broken and as Sigg no longer make stoves and the pump was all incased in plastic it seemed as though that was the end of it. Yesterday I found the stove and bottle and soon realised that the bottle was half full of petrol. Petrol is fun. I attached the fuel hose to the bottle and, just for the sake of it, pumped the bottle up to add some pressure then turned the fuel tap on a little. To my delight petrol started to spurt out. There is only one thing to do with petrol spurting out of a hose. After a couple of minutes playing with my flame thrower it occurred to me that there was nothing wrong with the fuel bottle, it must be the stove that was broken. Indeed it was. Half an hour later the stove was taken apart, cleaned up, put back together, taken apart, put back together properly and then in an almighty fire ball it was working again. I'm not sure that it is supposed to create a ball of flame three feet high upon being lit but it did and it was exciting so I don't mind. So now I have  a jetboil that will soon work again and a petrol stove, this is going to make life quite a lot easier, some times when it is cold, dark, it has been raining for days on end and it is very late all I want to do is have a cup of tea and a bite to eat and go to bed. Spending half an hour coaxing a fire into life can in these situations be a little depressing.

The last few weeks were the most "interesting" so far.

Quite apart from nearly reaching a sticky end on the wrong end of 24 litres of organic soya milk - more on this on Friday - things have been very challenging lately. It is all good practice for living in the jungle I suppose, I rather suspect that things will be challenging there. Today though things have taken a turn for the much better, this is obviously and immediately a good thing, better still my reaction to things going wrong has taught me a valuable lesson or two.

Lessons learned

1. Keep a positive mental attitude, it isvery easy to slip into a negative frame of mind without realising it.
2. Keep busy.
3. Keep disciplined, lapses of concentration can lead to disasters like - loosing your bivi bag.

Anyway like I say things are much better now; I have eaten three big meals, had my first shower in over a week, gone to my storage place and got a whole new set of clothes that are clean, fresh and without holes, I even found a pair of Timberland boots I didn't know that I had. I feel like a King.

A while ago I thought that it would be a good idea to sell sloe gin on eBay. Then it was pointed out to me that in order to do this I would need a license and I don't have one. What I can do though is sell sloes and a recipe that is so cunning that it doesn't require you to go through and prick every single sloe prior to putting them in the Gin!

FANTASTIC!

Before sticking an add up on eBay I thought I would offer you lot the opportunity to order some sloes and make a mighty amusing tipple for Christmas.

£2.99 a pound plus £2.20 post and packaging to anywhere in the UK payable into my paypal account. Please email me hugh.sawyer@gmail.com to make your orders.

Sorry to have been a bit slack with the writing of the blog of late, my attentions have mostly been turned to a huge soul destroying mountain of admin, I hate admin. I have almost scaled the tricky north face of mount frustration, once at the top I trust i shall get my brain back for more amusing activities.

Living in the jungle and earning a living, that is the idea. The problem that I have been facing lately is that of struggling to contend with an increasingly computerised society. I have for instance been to the bank about 14 times in the last three weeks and each and every time I have been presented with a new example of how the wonderful system they are operating can go wrong. Things have now got to the point where I am no longer angry, it just makes me laugh now. Dealing with this kind of thing is frustrating enough when you can walk into the bank to be met with blank faces and the denial of liability in person. Not having that option and being put on hold at £10000 an hour on a satellite phone with a Jaguar chomping on your toes might be slightly less fun. Oh well, too late to back out now.

Well not quite a full moon but pretty close, last night that is.

It was a cloudless night, that's how I know the moon was nearly full - I could see it! It got me thinking, it's a powerful thing this moon. Steeped in mystery and general weirdness, there are many myths and oddities related to the moon. Here in the north of Europe for example a full moon is traditionally the time when people turn into wolves and harangue livestock and pretty girls, that combination has long worried me. Over in the east, Thailand, India and the like, full moon is the time when they traditionally take massive great stacks of speakers down to the beach, gather up boat loads of western yoof and feed them industrial strength love drugs, watch them twitch in time to music, and harangue pretty girls. Hmmm I see a theme here.

Last night was nearly a full moon and I did not, not even nearly turn into a wolf. I did eat 8 sausages and a swiss roll but I don't think that counts. Being dark and in the middle of nowhere there was not even any girls, pretty or otherwise, for the haranguing, well there was one out jogging but it didn't really seem to be the time or the place. There was plenty of livestock hanging about being lowly but I really couldn't see the appeal.

Not being in either Thailand or India I didn't find my way to a full moon party, some friends of mine were playing poker but again I'm not sure if this counts. I was down by the river which I guess could be interpreted as being a beach of sorts but there was a distinct lack of soundsystems, lazers and crowds of cheering people; I know, I looked. 

What there was was a river, a lot of mist and not much in the way of warmth, even the fire I lit guttered away sadly to itself and took an age to boil the water. In retrospect going swimming was a pretty silly thing to do, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. No actually, I don't think it even seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm not sure why I went swimming, I blame the moon. The water was cold, oh so very very cold, I think I squeaked when I got in and I didn't stay long.

The main problem was what next, being away from "base camp" I didn't have a towel, I could use my jumper but then that would be wet. The original plan had been to warm up by the fire but it really wasn't giving off much warmth at all; smoke? Smoke it was giving off - oh yes loads of it, but that isn't warm at all. I crouched by the fire for a moment feeling a little silly when out of the dark and mist slid a canoe.

"Evening"

"Nice night for it"

I prodded the embers and hopefully lifted the lid on the pan to see if the water was boiling yet, it wasn't. I decided to do press ups until I was warm and dry but discovered that I can't do that many so ran up and down a bit and then got dressed. I felt invigorated, full of life, absolutely brilliant. Midnight swimming is good for the soul.

After that I played a game called "is it smoke or mist?" In this the contestant, me, sits next to a measly fire waiting for his sausages to burn / water to boil and guess at the nature of the air born white stuff floating towards him. If it is smoke he is rewarded with stinging eyes and having to hold his breath; if it is mist he gets to feel a little sick and contemplate the wisdom of eating an entire swiss roll.

After that I fell out of a tree and went to bed.

In the morning I was much amused to find the entire river bank awash with anglers all of whom were laden down with piles and piles of equipment. Strange behaviour if you ask me. I had planned to start the day with a quick dip but gratefully figured that this would scare the fish so I best give it a miss so I had to content myself with starting the day with a mug of tea in Georgina's in the covered market and a pan au chocolate from the Farmer's market on Gloucester Green.

Some of the things to have to deal with today are.

The Company who make Clark Jungle Hammocks, Clark I think, kindly agreed to send a couple of hammock for use in Ecuador. They sent them from America and the lovely people at Customs stopped them and said I couldn't have them unless I paid a ransom, if I didn't pay by the 1st of October they would be sent back to America. A few email bounced back and forth and it was established that I really did have to pay the ransom. This I agreed to do on the 29th of September. It wasn't until the 3rd of October, past the deadline for payment, that they told me that I needed to be sorting all this out with Parcelforce not with them, so as far as I know the hammocks have been returned to America.

Walk past bank at 8am and make a note of the 9am opening time so that I can be at the front of the queue of content customers waiting to shout at them for loosing their money. Return at 9am to find a piece of paper stuck to door saying that the bank doesn't open until 9.30 on a Wednesday.

Try unsuccessfully to get money out of paypal.

No I have to go to the Post Office, I have a sinking feeling.....

I have just realised that running a business from the jungle will entail my dealing with this kind of nonsense on a daily basis so effectively I'm taking the worst of modern life with me - yay.

It is getting a lil bit chilly out in them thar hills. It is chillier still down by the river, I know I was there last night. In some ways it was quite cozy despite the chill as last night was the first time in months that I have got out the vaguely rainproof bivi bag and bothered to put up the basha properly. It was about 6.30 when I woke and what a view there was. The river was a glassy reflection of the blue sky above, the wake from a duck catching the orange of the sunrise. A few whisps of mist and dew caught in a Spider's web set the scene just nicely. Set the scene for what? For me getting out of their and into town to get some money out of the bank and buy some breakfast is what. I haven't had any money for ages so the idea of eating something other than rice or lentils was an exciting prospect.

A lot of the time in the jungle will involve living off rice and lentils and whatever else there is about, mostly piranha I think. I'm not sure that I'm going to like this very much. I like food, I like chocolate and jam and pudding, and roast lamb and and and and.... Occasionally I get to thinking that maybe going to the jungle isn't such a good idea after all, too late now.

Drat.

After the jungle that's it.

Maybe a year on a Pacific island, but after that I'm done.

Everything is going wrong, it feels as though I am wading through treacle.

I am completely and utterly fed up.

The woods are nice, living in them is cool, lots of people are being helpful with the plans to go and live in the jungle, other than that all is very frustrating.

I might go and burn down NatWest, then stamp on the ashes. It might even help them, I can't imagine anything could possibly make things worse. Not I hasten to add that it is just NatWest that are proving to be inept, oh no no. I have a huge list of various institutions who seem hell bent on making life awkward for me. I would name them all but it would achieve nothing and take up far too much time.

Bit busy

Have set up an ebay account http://search.ebay.co.uk/_W0QQsassZoriginalditchmonkeyQQhtZ-1

hurry hurry everything must go.

All funds towards ecuador trip, more stuff to come

What I have been doing of late is having more things go wrong.

Ended up having to pay £11 for two single journeys on the underground in London, I think it should have cost about £3.

Why?

I have no idea.

Some things have been good though, all that rain that followed hurricane Gordon was most welcome. The fields around chez monkey have been looking worryingly not green for this time of year so a good down-pour was just what was needed. It bucketed down for about 5000 hours solid, this did keep me awake on Thursday night and put a bit of a dampener on the lunch I cooked for myself and Ned yesterday but other than that it was all good.

Rob has gone to France and left me with the keys to his flat and his credit card, a recipie for much mischief one would think, and so it would have been had it not been for The Lord of the Rings. I hadn't seen it you see, and there it was, the complete box set, on the shelf. I have hardly had time to sleep. Suddenly my life appears termed as a great struggle between good and evil. My innner monolouge has been deeply effected, about four hours into the film I decided to take a break for tea and toast and found myself thinking "I shall to Kitchen and there break bread and brew tea for the journey ahead, whilst the feast prepares I shall nip out into the land of stars and night busses and retreive milk from the land of Budgens".  I think I have permenantly damaged my brain.  I had planned to go to the Tate Modern today to take a look at some Albino Penguins and a video of a man dancing with a box on his head, I think this might finish me off.

I miss the woods.

Things make sense in the woods.